Defining Moments
Recognizing this journey never ends, that this entire life is about becoming more of who we are, in what areas of your life are you transforming right now? In what ways are you the beautiful, yet overlooked caterpillar and where are you the soaring butterfly?
One of my clearest picture frame moments that defined me took place on a cold January afternoon in 1986. Six months sober, I found myself pregnant by my boyfriend who was still waist-deep in cocaine and alcohol abuse. We lived above Dick Derby’s Bar in Kenosha, Wisconsin, convenient when I drank, but not so much when I was trying to sober up. The AA meetings I attended daily were only a few blocks from Lake Michigan, which had this magnetizing effect on me. I often found myself sitting on the boulders looking out across the lake, contemplating my life.
On this particular day, all bundled up, I sat feeling a heaviness, as I anticipated my appointment the next day to get an abortion. There wasn’t any other option, so I thought. My life was a mess. I was a mess. I had no business bringing a kid into my train wreck of a nightmare life.
But sitting there, taking in the chilly air, I heard a whisper come from somewhere deep inside. “If you let this child go, you will never know him.” Those words came out of nowhere. What? What do you mean if I let him go? Him? A baby boy? That picture sank into my spirit. A baby boy was growing inside of ME? How could I keep him? I tried thinking it through but there seemed no way. But still, perched on that cold boulder beneath me, those words began to sink in. I felt a feeling swell up in me I hadn’t ever remembered experiencing before. Then the thought, “But what if I could?” I took a deep breath and let that thought wash over me. “What IF I could?” That was probably the craziest thought I had ever had! But what IF? In that moment, a courage boiled up in me that I had never felt before. I began to consider canceling my appointment and actually keeping the child.
Then a voice that I was oh so familiar with interrupted my thought. The same voice that I had spent my entire life cow tailing to. The voice that constantly criticized and judged me, reminding me that I would never be enough, no matter how hard I tried. “What are you thinking? Your life is a wreck and you’re going to bring a kid into it? What do YOU have to offer a baby?” The voice was right. But for maybe the first time in my life, it didn’t seem to matter. The whisper grew louder in my heart. I had no idea where my life was heading but reflecting on the last six months, against all odds, I had been able to stay sober. What if, somehow, some way, I could also raise this child?
As I stood up, I caught my reflection in the icy cold, but not frozen water. I locked eyes with the girl staring back at me. What might happen if I cancelled this appointment and fought for this life that was growing inside me. What if I was more capable than I had ever given myself credit for? What if this life inside me gave me a reason to fight for my life too? What if this WAS the best decision, even though in the moment, it seemed wrong?
As I made my way back to my apartment, courage swelled in me as I carefully chose the words I would use to inform my boyfriend that I wouldn’t be going through with the abortion. That I was keeping the baby. I breathed in the idea that I had a life growing inside of me. An egg oh so small but full of potential. I wanted to know him. And maybe, just maybe in this wanting, I might come to know me too. He would certainly be a reason for me to make different choices in my life than I had that had gotten me to this point in my life.
I could not have known what that one decision would do for my life. It was my son who taught me how to love, first him and then me. To find my voice – eventually – and the courage to stand on my own – and to take risks that would allow me to have an income to both provide for Billy and spend time with him. To finish my college degree. To buy a home so he could have roots in community. A community that I invested my life in and have impacted in immeasurable ways. One decision – exponential blessings.
It wasn’t until years later that a different kind of egg had a similar impact on me. That of the Monarch butterfly. I had the same mesmerizing awe I felt inside me as I walked home declaring my decision to allow the egg to grow inside me as I did sitting on my back porch, watching a Monarch caterpillar egg, waiting patiently for it to hatch. Just the idea that one of these caterpillar eggs has the potential to transform from what I told myself was an ugly little caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly and then potentially fly 2,800 miles had me transfixed, poised to witness this miraculous event.
Little did I realize how similar the two eggs were. Allowing myself to let the egg grow in me to maturity has taken me on a journey of a million miracles. And supporting and protecting this little Monarch egg was the beginning of a different kind of journey to recognize my own power and potential in innumerable ways. What I have only come to realize in hindsight, is that the ultimate ‘egg’ was me. And that the transformation that the Monarch butterfly so magnificently depicts, has been at play in me and my life all along. The wonderment at the change God had planted in me is the same potential to live beyond what I could imagine.
Even more profound is knowing that it takes four generations for the Monarch to make the full cycle of life, the first generation taking flight in Michoacán Mexico and heading north, landing somewhere in the vicinity of Texas, laying eggs and dying. Then the second generation emerging, transforming and taking flight the next leg north to maybe my backyard in Zion, Illinois. Then the third generation potentially making it to the northern section of Canada. And then, beyond anyone’s understanding, the fourth generation making the flight all the way back to Michoacán to overwinter and begin the cycle again.
In hindsight, I see the first generation of my evolution happened when I said yes to sobriety and allowing my son, Billy to emerge. Then the second generation was when my life crumbled underneath me twelve years later during my divorce from Billy’s adopted father and his sister, Britney. It was then that I embraced the call of the Monarch, which led me to the many lessons midwifing at least 100 eggs each summer. I am mesmerized by all I have learned at a soul level in that experience over the last two plus decades. The third generation is in the unfolding of my own egg, as I embrace the lessons and my personal transformation. And the fourth generation, is in the witnessing of the transformation of my community, thanks to my faith and willingness to allow my Creator to work with me and through me to impact change in ways I could never even imagine. These four generational impacts continue to grow me simultaneously. And so it goes, the life cycle of my life as a Monarch, implanted in my spirit.
As I delve into bits of my journey in this weekly blog, I hope it allows you to also look back at your life. What were those moments that defined you? That set you on the path that led you to where you are now? May you find, in your self-reflection, all you need to also embrace the journey, whether it be in the releasing of the layers or in resting in the goo of life or in finding your wings to fly.
